*mechanical whirring*

Form 5827-TB7: Application for Temporary Membership- Imperial Avarian League of Racers (AVLR)


State your full name.

*scuffling noises*


“I think it needs to be your full name.”

“–Taern, I’ve got this.”


*white noise* “Nineteen.”




“Shut up, Stroth. No one asked you.”



“Stroth, you idiot! We’re not supposed to say that.”

“Why not?”

*scuffling noises*

“Anolitun Sylph.”

“Taern, did you just make that up?”

“No, Stroth. It’s a type of Avarian that people still think exist.”


Place of Birth.



“I mean, Anolitun.”

Date of Birth.

“Well, what should I say, Taern?”

*white noise*

“Ito, we’ll come back to that one.”



“Five foot nine.”

“Ito, it has to be in standard measurements.”

“I don’t know standard measurements, Taern.”

“Three point one meta lengths.”

“He’s really that tall?”



(two voices in synchronization) “Slender.”



“Tearn, can we please just call me ‘white’?”

*white noise*


Hair Color.

*loud shuffling* “Black as a stormy night.”

“Stroth, quit!”

“It’s not funny. Back up.”

*more scuffling noises*

“You’re squishing me!”

Eye Color.


“Green as a–”

“Shut up. Just green.”


“Uh oh.”



“They meant ‘likes’ as in hobbies.”

“I know, Taern.”


“Not getting sandwiches.”

“Ito, I told you we’re going to go eat in a second.”

“Taern, that was thirty minutes ago.”

“He’s not wrong.”


“Thank you. See? Even Stroth agrees with me.”

“Ito, answer the question!”

“Fears? Not getting a sandwich today.”

“Would you drop it with the sandwiches?”

Favorite color.

“No, I will not drop it. I haven’t eaten all day and–”

*scuffling sounds * “Yellow.”

“Taern, what do you just say my favorite color was?”


“Who the heck picks yellow?”

*mumbled* “Yellow’s a good color too.”

Favorite Shape.

“Oval. Taern, stop answering for me.”

“Well, you’re not exactly taking this seriously.”

“What the heck does that mean?”

Favorite Time of Day.

“I’m just pointing out you don’t seem like you really care.”

“I do so care. Nighttime. See?”

Favorite Type of Music.

“Well, I hope that’s true, because this stuff is important. It’s going in your permanent record.”

“Taern, I know that, ok? I just don’t see what the point is if I’m going to be leaving in a few days anyway.” *sighing* “What was the question?”

“I don’t remember.”

“Me either.”

Favorite Food.

*Three voices* “Sandwiches.”

Favorite Drink.

“Mountain Dew.”

“Eww. You drink water off the ground?”

“No, Stroth. It’s the name of a drink, stupid.”

“You drink something named after water on the ground?”

“What do you know about it? It’s really good.”

“What color is it?”

*white noise*

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

Perfect Date.

*white noise*

*white noise*

“Taern, did the machine just ask me about my perfect date?”

“Maybe it has a crush on you?”


Has the candidate ever been hospitalized over night?

“No. Seriously, Taern, what was up with that last question?”

“I honestly don’t know.”

“You keep saying that, but I’m starting to get a really weird vibe from this place.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Has the candidate ever contracted a sexually transmitted disease?

“Hmm. No idea at all, Taern?”

“Hey, that’s an important question.”

“Stay out of this, Stroth.”

“Sure, as long as you answer the question.”

Is the candidate currently taking any medications or undergoing any medical treatments for a sexually transmitted disease?

“I’m not answering these questions.”

“Because you’re embarrassed?”

“Because it’s none of yours, or anyone else’s, business, Stroth.”

How many sexual encounters has the candidate had over the last standard cycle?

“Taern, what is up with this questionnaire?”

“You know, you really are supposed answer the questions.”

“Taern, I would rather crawl through a broken glass factory than answer these questions.”

“I am not going to lie–I am now a little turned on.”

“Stroth, shut up. You disgust me.”

“Does that mean you’re turned on too?”

“Don’t you dare touch me!”

Has the candidate ever had a sexual encounter with anyone from the following planets: Kradshan, Grasli, Burdaben, Furenia, Anlowguen, Dhjahran, Dimat, Jondal, Hafr, Batn, Haipl, Haqli, Hoafuf, Joddah, Jizani, Joufe, Jubailo, Yranbu, Hkamis, Mushaitz, Khrobar, Najpran, Qatifg, Rasj, Tanipura, Sakarka, Sharuorah, Tsabouko, Taifth, Unaizaonh, Kusfanft, Uzuon?

“Holy list of nasty planets, Batman.”

“Stroth, haven’t we been to some of those?”

“Uh oh. That’s not good.”

“Ha! Now who needs to answer the questions?”

Application complete. Candidate is to sign on the dotted line and DNA stamp the application that all information given herein is accurate and correct on penalty of Imperial law.

“Awesome. Sign here, spit here, and we’re done.”

“He didn’t answer half the questions!”

“Whatever, Taern. He’s done. Time for food.”

“You guys—”

“Sorry, Taern. Dragon-boy and I are getting some grub.”

“Sylph! We’re supposed to say sylph!”

“Fine, me and the Sylph are going to go get something to eat.”

*footsteps fading away*

*white noise*

“Okay.” *more footsteps* “But we’re coming back to fix it.”

“No, we’re not.”

“Yes, we are!”

End of Recording.

Your Name (required)

Your Email (required)


Your Message